There is no sugar-coating it - I am in a slump. The kind of slump that makes the thought of putting words out there in the world painful and every idea that flies into my head gets shot down my own personal team of sharp-shooters who would prefer I just remain silent when I am feeling this way. There are lots of reasons and no real reason.
I guess I am starting to feel like a bit of a bystander in my own life - not strong enough to really participate and every event or activity that is a little more taxing than the bare minimum seems to knock me out. For the first time I can say that I am starting to feel physically like a person who has something seriously wrong going on - and while this shouldn't be surprising, I think I was under the illusion it wouldn't happen quite so soon. Then there is the sun. Everyone who knows me would know that in the summer, I love being in the sun and am normally a nice shade of brown by July. (Yes, I know tanning is evil). But because vitamin D is another thing my body can't process properly, I'm supposed to be avoiding it and it's petty and childish, but on a sunny week like this one, forcing myself into the shade makes me dreadfully unhappy. Of course, there is also the fact that my partner Kirk is spending time with his kids in Toronto and will be heading off to Spain on Saturday, a trip I am thrilled he is taking but one I imagined we would take together - maybe - some day. Plus the new cabinet gets announced tomorrow, which I'll admit seems a silly thing to have on the list, but it is the first time in many years when that announcement hasn't been a big deal to me as getting a new minister when you work in government is transformative in so many ways and I know all my former colleagues will be bracing for the changes that are sure to come.
So to sum up, in the course of a week I feel like I've shifted from being "brave" and cheerful and zen-like to being sad and sick of my own thoughts - and I am so disappointed in myself for going there that hiding seems more appropriate than writing right now. It seems the height of self-indulgence to share these things - and yet, here I am. Forcing the words out and waiting for this to pass.