In keeping with a potential purchase of a strata unit comes the inevitable package of strata meeting minutes and bylaws for review. This is just one of the tasks one must responsibly do before finalizing the deal. So this weekend, I sat down with pages of material, financial records etc...and I suppose as with any property - a few red flags popped up which will require further follow-up before we decide to proceed. While it has a lot in its favour, some things one just can't see past. As they say, the devil is in the details - and in this case it may be simply too much. And to be honest, the fact that we were so incredibly spoiled to find our first two properties and experienced zero trouble from a construction/maintenance perspective, makes the prospect of any compromise now distressing and sad. It is a fact that in our new budget, the options are limited, particularly those that will allow two wee dogs - so now begins a series of discussions that will make or break this deal. What I can't get past is the pressing of time - the sense that it needs to be done - with my refusal to settle - to compromise on things I can't get past. I am done in with the worry of it all - my body is not keeping up - such is my incredible need to get this right, to be settled, to find a sanctuary where Kirk and the dogs will be comfortable and healthy and happy. This is my last big job - the thing on which I have pinned all of my hopes - and in so many ways, I just can't afford to get it wrong. Home and everything it represents right now, is all I can see - and I know I have been rushing, charging forward because I am so very aware that time is passing - speeding by me - I don't have the luxury of extending the search for perfection forever. It is what we are giving up as much as what we will transition to that is weighing on me - the fact we are in this position at all - the fact that we are facing this while still absorbing the fact that I am - every day- inching closer to the end. I was and am trying so hard to be excited about it - but for today, I am just wary of my choices and incredibly tired. I know I have lost perspective, need to think about all of those people for whom what we might settle for, is a dream they could not possibly imagine attaining right now...that slightly tarnished silver lining that hangs there somewhere, waiting to be found.
Addendum to this post: I realize in saying all of this that there are some things I need to be grateful for - the fact I still have the capacity to read and understand the facts, that I am in a position to think critically about the way forward and that I have a choice on whether or not to proceed. Further, that I am still here, regardless of the shape I am in, to make these decisions - all facts which bear some acknowledgement.