Saturday, 1 March 2014
It is a home day today - the kind of day when leaving the house is unimaginable. Woke up feeling fragile - getting coffee had to involve sitting down with my head in my hands several times to try and propel myself forward - willing myself not to fall down. Some days just go like this - on the whole better than the bad, awful days of anxiety and panic when nothings seems to calm me. But the feeling of being half present takes some getting used to...here, but not here - awake but not entirely present - struggling to find words sometimes - to identify what I want. Feels like going through a long tunnel where the anticipation to break free into the light grows stronger the longer the ride goes on - where any kind of stimulation - light, noise, physical proximity feels suffocating and overwhelming. Doing as well as I can under the circumstances - as well as anyone would when your days are numbered but no one can reveal what those numbers are - how close or far away. Levels of engagement and activity narrowing the longer this goes on - naturally culling where the ever more limited energy is directed. I wonder on these days where is the elusive silver lining - the promise that things will shift again making a day like today seem like a memory I might think of nostalgically at some future time as the "good times". It is all about perspective - the lens you choose to look through - the photographic filters to make the lines less sharp - changing the current view to something more palatable. Sepia tones to dull things - to better reflect this place I am in.