I want to preface this post by saying this is not an attempt to reignite my blog in any way - but I feel like I left some things unsaid and some rather large question marks about why I came to the decision to end it as I did the other day.
First, it began with one of my regular visits from the Palliative Response Team late last week, where I was informed that some of the comments I had made over the course of the past few months had made some nurses feel for their safety. While it was only ever my intention to draw attention to the amazing work they do and in particular the unfailing support they had provided to both myself and my family - I am also aware that many of the scenarios they face, particularly in the night time hours are dangerous and precarious to say the least - be it unwilling patients or family dynamics that are unpredictable and often make them feel at risk. While the overwhelming majority of nurses who have followed these pages have been effusive and warm in their support of the advocacy I have attempted on their behalf - this news shook me in a way I can not describe and to those nurses who had concerns I am eternally sorry.
Second, and since January- my symptoms have worsened to such a degree that my capacity to maintain the energy to lucidly keep up with this communication and even respond to some of my dearest friends has been compromised in such a way that I felt it difficult to carry on the way I had. My ups and downs have become more alarming - so much so that when my family doctor saw me two weeks ago she honestly believed I would not last to see her return.
Third, my quality of life has become narrower and narrower as many of the things I used to do....my avid love of reading for example - I simply can not do anymore as I lack the basic concentration to keep up - my appetite and the capacity to ingest anything but an increasingly narrower list of foods has worsened - I barely leave the house anymore if at all...and overall I am no closer to knowing how long I will have to endure this than I was before.
As I have told my family and my doctor in all honesty - if there was a pill I could take to end this - I would...but legally in this country this is not an option for me. In short, I am tired and ready in all ways for this to come to an end - something that right now is not in my control. So as much as I appreciate your overwhelming comments, please know the days of communication will not be what they were in any way. And my only hope is that you wish me Godspeed that this does not continue indefinitely - but that I am allowed to go quickly and peacefully to the degree possible.