Friday, 11 April 2014

Adventures in the Outside World

Yesterday was one of the first days I have left the house in about a month. The occasion was that my sister took me to get my hair cut. Actually leaving the house is an ordeal now that seems impossible to imagine considering my life before. What I can't get used to is the weakness that goes along with this - being helped in and out of my sister's car - feeling like an invalid. But the worst moment - when we finally made it into the salon was when I tried to get out of the chair to get to the sink and stumbled, narrowly missing knocking everything off my stylist's station and correcting myself just before I fell to the floor. It may sound like a minor incident, but it felt entirely humiliating at the time. It is the part of this that I find hardest to accept - the notion of simple things I took for granted slowly becoming harder to accomplish - and feeling like my memory and my thoughts are becoming so jumbled that I can't express what I want or need to say at any given time. This was not the only humiliating moment of my day but I will spare you the details. Suffice it to say this is all part of the territory - and no matter how resilient I have been - these are moments that go along with this ride that one has no other option but to accept - no matter how much I want to block them out. My family is sympathetic - feel bad on my behalf - but no amount of their efforts to soothe me can take it away entirely. So today the sun is shining and I am staying put - trying my best to put it behind me - one day at a time and all that - no place to be except where I am.