Friday, 4 April 2014
How are you?
This is an unavoidable question for someone in a circumstance like mine - but in all honesty, not one that I feel enthusiastic about responding to. Things change - but not necessarily in a good way and I don't even know how to answer some days. It seems petty to not respect that people are doing this out of love or genuine concern - but as I have explained as I am more and more distant from people who were once a constant presence in my life - it feels weird to express what I am feeling at any given moment. I feel more and more like a guinea pig for changing regimes that start out promising sometimes - then leave me back where I started or worse. I guess I am tired - frustrated by my lack of independence that was always such a huge part of my life. The word "dependence" is the worst possible word that I can think about right now - as much as I push and push not to ask for help and feel so guilty when I have no alternative but to do so. I in no way expect people to stop asking - but just saying that sometimes it is harder than others to say where I really am - what I really need or want - when I can't even figure it out myself.