They say it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind and so here I am. Nothing has really changed since my previous post in terms of the way I am doing and feeling - and I can't do this with any confidence that it will make any more sense than my previous posts.
One ground rule I want to make clear is that in light of what led me to stop this in the first place - and as much as they are a significant part of my life now - I no longer feel safe talking about or advocating for my care team. I express my gratitude as effusively as I can when they are with me and that will have to be enough. I will however point out that the manager of the community home nursing program sent me a personal note some weeks ago - thanking me for my support for their efforts and the continued dedication and hard work of their staff.
This blog has only ever been my voice...my thoughts - I never purported to speak on anyone else's behalf or to try to convince you that my way of seeing things or handling this to date has been appropriate or right for anyone else. But as my life and contact with the outside world gets smaller and smaller - losing this - my only outlet left - has been like losing a limb. Since I was a little girl, the only way I really knew how to get my feelings out was to write it down - and frankly as long as this keeps dragging on- I frankly need this for no one's else's sake but my own.
Someone once wise once told me that people who have been fighters all their life find the end stages more difficult to accept, while those that have lived a more passive life find it easier to let go. I suppose the people who know me well know which category I fall into...thus perhaps it is not that surprising that I find it as difficult as I have to give in even though everything in my being is ready for this to stop.
Also, I have spent a lot of time on the web site of the Right to Die Society of Canada - which makes it clear that it is the connections you have in this country have more to do with who really has the option to pursue their choice - and so it is clear in a covert way it is happening - and probably far more frequently than we realize. While it has links to a lot of information I have been told that without the help of a qualified professional, things can and have gone horribly wrong - and the prospect of doing something that would actually prolong this is more than I can bear. So for now I will write write when my energy permits me to do so...for me...not for anyone else -because frankly it feels like all I have.