Wednesday, 9 April 2014
What is Not So Easy to Block Out
A month ago yesterday was one of the darkest days I have experienced since this whole odyssey began. But what I only recently learned about that day - things over which I have no recollection have recently come to light - unsettling things that made me realize how serious this has become. It was a day that I was a total mess - so unsettled that I spent over 12 hours wandering through the house - unable to sit, lie down- or find any place that was comfortable until my sister eventually had to hold on to me as I grew weaker while I wandered - endless circles around our living room. Eventually it involved a nurse coming to the house and even a visit around 6pm that night from my family doctor. What I didn't know or recall is that one point she pulled my sister aside and suggested she contact my family in case there was anything they wanted to say to me before I was eventually sedated. What I didn't remember is that everyone in my family came that night...my Mom and Dad drove in from Duncan, my nephews and my sister and brother-in-law David...that I actually spoke to them - again, moments I don't remember - before I was finally settled for the night. It is hard for me to think of these events and how so seemingly close to the end things seemed at the time - and yet still I am here - somehow going through these experiences and unfortunately taking my family with me. Perhaps it is why now I find myself on some levels pushing them away to some degree - discouraging visits - managing phone calls but perhaps in some ways thinking that while I thought initially I wanted desperately not to be alone near the end - maybe I am in a different space now. Things turned again since that time - I haven't had a significant repeat of that day since - but it sticks with me, haunting me in a way that these things could have happened and yet I blocked them out so completely from my mind. It is all so unpredictable where I will be at any given moment and why the whole notion of focusing on the here and now seems the only way to live through this. Again, I simply don't know how long I can or will continue to live this way and so each day I wait - wait for something which seems impossible to envision.